I’m awkward.

HI :3

I am an awkward human being. There are many reasons why that’s the case but I guess it’s not really obvious in my writing. On my posts, I try my best to double/ triple/ multiple… (you get the idea) check that everything is A-Okay before I post it (except for that one time…). Anyway, I think this comes from me being a slight perfectionist and  I hate having embarrassing moments where I’m like: “What. Did. I. Just. Do.” Unfortunately, there’s no way to edit your daily actions IRL before you do them because… well… you just do them in one go. Thus, I get a lot of those “What did I just do” moments which give me a cringe attack later on.

So I’m just going to share a little story now to demonstrate this. I was about to call up an office to ask a few questions. I had them prepared on a piece of paper and I was nervously waiting on the other end for the call to be picked up. It started, the conversation happened quite quickly and much shorter than I thought and this is where it went downhill. I was about to end the call when I said: “Thank you for ask- answering my questions.” Wow. Just. I nearly said: “Thank you for asking my questions”?! I can’t… How do you screw something so simple up???

*face palm* *face desk* *face wall* *muffled screams*

Thankfully, I managed to think quick on my feet and muffled my voice just a bit when it came to saying “ask” and I quickly changed it to “answer” since I pronounce the beginning of those words in the same way. It was also a phone call so there was no eye contact. However, I think the person knew what happened because I could hear some sort of muffled laughter. Now, I’m not going to dwell on “what you should do to help someone in an awkward situation” (although that could be another post so tell me if I should do something like that) because honestly, I may have laughed a little myself if I was on the opposite end of the conversation so I didn’t mind. Just the fact that I made such a stupid and simple mistake in front of a complete stranger just makes me want to claw my face off. Well, not really but you get the picture.

And here’s the continuation. I was so immersed in my previous awkwardness that I didn’t think to say: “sorry, I forgot to ask one more thing”. Now, I have to go through the same thing again. Great.

I know that this may not seem like much compared to other similar situations but you see…

After my moments of awkwardness, I get cringe attacks. Unlike most people who may flinch and act weirdly in random ways while they’re experiencing this, I start shouting things. Things as in: song lyrics, bad words, random phrases, people’s names, etc. What makes this even worse and weirder is the fact that I’m a generally quiet person who will not speak up unless I absolutely have to. So, when I suddenly raise my voice saying seemingly nonsense stuff and people stare… that in itself is another awkward moment. It’s like a package deal: I gotta be embarrassed twice ‘cuz that’s my life.

I think the reason why I do raise my voice when having a cringe attack is because I’m trying to drown out my thoughts or trying to distract myself from thinking about it further. It’s like that moment when your sibling is about to reveal something embarrassing about you to your parents and you go: “So! What are we having for dinner tonight?” in an attempt to change the course of the conversation while giving them the evil side look.

And that’s some of the reasons why I’m awkward! Please comment below if you want to share some of your awkward stories so that I know I’m not alone in the battle against awkwardness. Thank you for reading! You guys are awk- I mean, awesome!

~little Purple.Mage

I’d rather listen than talk

There are a number of reasons for that title but the one I wanna focus on today is: most of the time, nobody pays attention to what I say. In a group, it’s hard for me to get a word in because everyone is always talking so quickly and loudly that they wouldn’t be able to hear me. And if I’m talking with only a few people, some of them don’t really take the time and effort to understand what I’m really trying to say.

I’ve acknowledged the fact that I have a hard time with speaking- it can be hard for me to translate my thoughts and feelings into what I’m saying so most of the time, I write them down. It takes me time to process what I want to say and how I should say it. Sometimes, I blurt things out of nowhere but that rarely goes well for me because then other people would take it in a different way and then start talking before I can fully explain what I actually want to say.

Sometimes I get tired of people just jumping to conclusions, talking over me or not understanding what I have to say. I try to solve this by talking to them 1- on- 1 and when there’s a lot more time so I don’t feel pressured to think of what and how to say things on the spot. But when this isn’t an option I just write out my thoughts and feelings then usually I calm myself down. When I’m feeling really brave I write out a personal letter to the person so that I can fully explain things and they can read it at their own time and pace.

If things go really well then the person tells me in private that they’ve read and understood what I was saying or they just low-key acknowledge it and I can see the changes in their actions or words. If things go badly, the person reveals out loud what I wrote or tries to argue about it in front of many others. That really annoys me because I wrote it down for a reason and that’s so that what I’m trying to communicate is a private thing. Even if others around us don’t have a clue to what the person is talking about, I still don’t like it when they hear something that I was purposely trying to keep quiet.

Anyway… I think I ranted enough for today. I don’t normally post stuff like this but I just needed to get it out of my system. Just a little reminder: please try to take time to understand what someone else is actually trying to communicate and also please respect if they want to keep things private. If they’re willing to share their stories with others then that’s their decision to make and in their own pace.

Thanks for taking the time to read this guys, you’re all awesome 🙂

~little Purple.Mage

A fangirl’s perspective

HI :3

In addition to being an introvert, I’m also a fangirl. In its simplest definition, a fangirl/boy is someone who obsess over fictional characters. There are many other definitions that, believe me, ain’t pretty. We’re often portrayed as girls/ boys that squeal, giggle, and clap our hands in excitement or faint when we see the object/ person we obsess over. We’re often ridiculed for loving something that isn’t real or something that we will never have. We’re often seen as crazy for loving fictional characters/stuff so much that we have too many feels. And this is where the dam problem is.

Aight, lemme set something straight here people. *Rant mode activated*

First of all, we ain’t all about that image of us always squealing, giggling, daydreaming or fainting. Sure, our actions may seem strange when you see us obsessing about our favourite fandoms. We may be unable to complete sentences or speak so fast that you have trouble understanding what we’re trying to say. But that’s because we’re so overwhelmed with the information we have to process that it all becomes too much for us to handle. We may always be in our rooms, locked away for hours but that can be due to 3 things: 1) We are currently in the process of watching/ reading/ listening to our fandoms; 2) Our minds are in too much awe after experiencing their epicness that we just kinda sit there in silence for awhile and 3) We are hard at work on various projects: it could be fanart/ theories/ fanfiction/gifs or anything else.

Bottom line is: our passion is often mistaken for complete obsession and it is this passion that leads us to act the way we do and even inspires us to produce works.

Secondly, I don’t see why people aren’t allowed to love something/ someone without judgement just because the object of our affection isn’t real. So what if they’re fictional? These characters have a childhood, personalities, likes and dislikes and dreams just like any other person. And it may be due to this reason that within ourselves, us fangirls/boys see them as something more than a character on screen or on a page. Within us, the characters are brought to life and we have built a strong emotional bond with them especially after seeing them progress in their respective lives/ journeys.

Additionally, I know of a lot of  people who turn to reading/ watching/ listening in order to escape the cruelties of reality. Even I did the same. This is another way or reason why we have an emotional connection to these characters because it’s as if being with them through watching/ listening/ reading has helped us forget or even solve our real- life problems and we now hold these characters in a high and respected status.

And finally, how are we crazy for having too much feels over our fandoms? Other people with different passions such as those in sports/ fashion/ politics, etc. often have very passionate feelings over a certain topic and they talk and show it in public too. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing because everyone has their own personal passions and interests. I also understand that the world is flawed and that there will always be someone out there to criticize people for their passion. However, I greatly respect people who do not judge other people’s interests since I know that there are many people who, in general, refuse to talk or even show emotions about their interests because they have been shot down about them before.

As my final message, I’d like to say that even after these struggles and after all this time, always will I be a fangirl.

~little Purple.Mage

PS to all my fellow fangirls/boys out there: if you’re hit with the feels, don’t cry, CRAFT!

I’m out there, but in here.

HI :3

Before I start off this post, I just want to say that it might be a bit messy to read. My thoughts have literally just been everywhere but I feel like I needed to pour them all out in this one message.

First of all, a little story. A few nights ago, I was out with my friends having dinner. It was really good, we were all having fun just eating and talking. At one point, the conversation shifted to relationships and while I was listening to everyone else talk I realized, wait… I’m the only single one here. Now, this definitely wasn’t the problem. I didn’t mind being single so I decided to crack a joke about it: “Hey, I just realized that I’m the only one single here… oh wait, no- there’s still my fictional crushes. Too bad they don’t exist in this world.” That’s when my friend looked at me in confusion across the table and said, “I’m just so confused… how can you like someone that isn’t real?”

Now, the fictional crushes I have all span from characters in books to anime to movies. In my spare time, I love to read headcannons about them, search up their fanart and basically be a fangirl. (Literally, one of my biggest confusions with these situations are shipping the characters I love with others or shipping them with me… does that make sense?) I understand that there are some people who don’t really delve as deeply as I do in the fictional world and I respect that. But I was still slightly appalled that my friend asked that.

*Rant mode activated* (This isn’t exactly what I said in reply, but it’s close enough)

“Because they look amazing and hot. Because their character descriptions are so detailed to the point that you know almost every little thing about them. Because you know their likes and their dislikes. Because you know all about their dreams, goals and fears. Because you learn about and/ or can live with them through their childhood and watch them become the person who they are right now. Because you can turn to them whenever you want to, just like you would to a friend. Because you start to feel an emotional attachment to them, and suddenly, it’s as if they’re not fictional anymore.”

By the end of that explanation, I could still see she was doubtful so I decided to drop it. Like I said, I was used to people not being able to relate with the stuff that I’m into and I don’t bother forcing them to. You do you. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I guess it just makes me feel a bit left out and weary since it’s considered weird to fangirl over something that “isn’t real”. That hasn’t stopped me from doing it though. That feeling of being left out just lasts for a short while so I don’t really like or even want to dwell on it (lest I start overthinking things again).

This brings me to my next story. Today, I was out with my friends again to have lunch with some of our teachers to celebrate the end of the year (No school!!! WOO!!) We were a much bigger group this time and really, only one of my best friends were there so I expected to just talk to them for most of the time. Again everyone was talking together, but since it was a much bigger group this time, I found it better to listen than talk. I also didn’t really relate to what they were saying so I mostly kept quiet. I am an introvert and I’m proud of it, but sometimes I just can’t help but think…

Sometimes, I’m just torn between forcing myself to socialize with everyone else or to just keep to myself. Sometimes, I just feel like even though I try to make the effort of speaking, no one really hears me, much less understand me. Sometimes, I wonder why I even go out to these events when I don’t really bring much to the situation.

In a world where there’s more extroverts than introverts, it can be difficult to find our place in it. But whoever said we need to find one place and stay there? I’m constantly travelling between my own world and reality that sometimes, I feel out of place or restless in one of them. But that’s okay. I’m not being forced to be stationary, I shouldn’t be and neither should anyone else be. There are times when I have to remind myself of this idea but that’s okay too. As long as there’s a balance in my life, I guess I don’t really mind whether I’m out there or in here.

~little Purple.Mage

Introversion Myths

HI :3

So a few days ago, I found something on Pinterest that caught my eye. It was titled “Top ten myths about introverts” and since I personally related to some of it, I decided to write a post dedicated to my fellow introverts.

No. 1:”Introverts don’t like to talk”

To a certain extent, this is true for me. I don’t like to make small talk to people during parties or gatherings simply because I find it extremely difficult to think of something to talk about off the top of my head. Like, what are you supposed to talk about? The weather? Current events? …I can’t even think of any more options (see what I mean?).

Just don’t get me wrong, introverts can actually talk your ear off if you let them. There are tons of things I’m passionate about such as: ‘reasons why I don’t like horror movies’ or ‘best foods I’ve ever tried’ or ‘why anime isn’t “for kids”‘ (don’t even get me started on that last one). In fact, there’s actually a lot going on in my mind that just doesn’t make its way out of my mouth. For me, if I’m not interested in the topic then I won’t have anything to say about it so I just don’t talk.

No. 2:”Introverts don’t like people”

It’s not that we don’t like people. And I know that I can’t speak for all the introverts out there but in my opinion, I can find it tiring to be with loads of people all at once. If the group consists of a small number of really close friends then I know I’ll find it fun to just be with them. However, when you put us in any other social events then we’ll most likely be wishing to be at our secret haven (aka ‘our room’) and will find any excuse to politely leave.

I remember that during one party held at my aunt’s house, I quietly excused myself to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I felt so relieved for this 5 minutes of quiet time. It may seem ridiculous to others, but to us introverts getting time to ourselves is really important. It’s like our way of regaining energy and having a rest from socializing.

No. 3:”Introverts always want to be alone”

This links to my previous point and, no, it’s still not true. We don’t always want to be alone, we just need some time to be alone. I don’t think any human being enjoys solitude and that holds true for introverts. Sometimes, I think others forget that we are humans too but we are just different from most people. We still need to be around a select few people in our everyday lives. Usually, we hang out with people that we’re comfortable with, such as: a friend, sibling or parent.

And it’s actually much easier to debunk this myth in this day and age. With the help of the internet, we can interact with others without physically being together (thanks, social media!). Technically, this means we aren’t really alone since we are communicating with others for a (long) period of time.

Finally No. 4:”Introverts can fix themselves and become extroverts”

NO. NO. No. Just no. We cannot ‘fix’ ourselves because we are not mindless machines that come with a manual. This is just how we are. This isn’t a problem that needs to be resolved. We are people with our own attitude and personalities and life stories and feelings and thoughts. This goes out to everyone reading this, no matter if you’re an introvert, extrovert or something in between: there is nothing wrong with being an introvert.

(And just a side note: anyone who discriminates against anyone else for being an introvert OR an extrovert is just plain rude.)

And that’s it for now 🙂 I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing. Let me know if you relate to any of these or to any other myths included in the list.

Peace out!

~little Purple.Mage